Why Am I Hearing Wipe Out by the Surfaris?

12 Feb 2007

My wife asked me to pick up some TP on the way home the other day. Normally, I buy the cheap stuff -- $0.89 for 4 rolls. It's double-ply, but extremely basic (none of these ultra-quilted, aloe-coated extravagances you see on the buck-a-roll varietals). But, I don't know, something came over me as I browsed the innumerable offerings along the Aisle of White. Sadly, it wasn't a meditation on the amount of bleaching and other chemical pre-treatments we humans needlessly demand for the rolled softness of our daily lives -- but it was indeed a meditation of sorts, as I'll get to in a moment.

You see, there was a new brand (well, new to my store, anyway) on the shelves: Angel Soft -- $1.19 for four rolls and, I must say, comparatively luxurious-looking next to our usual $0.89 kind. Figuring the extra $0.30 wouldn't kill us, I took a chance. Live on the edge, I always say.

Once home, I noticed the packaging, which hadn't yet caught my eye. There's a graphic on the back, which I've scanned for your pleasure, showing two guys dressed as angels. Based on their hand positions, each guy seems to have a specific function in this shot: The guy on the left is the "Soft ... but not TOO soft" guy (indicated by his pointing gesture), while the guy on the right is the "EXTRA LAYER to get the job done" guy (indicated by his holding the golden banner).

I have so many questions! For one, who ARE these guys? Are they a couple of "fun" employees from the plant? Are they the owners? Are they paid models? Toilet paper technicians? And, look, I'm surely not normally one to bring up anyone else's weight, but isn't it at least interesting that the heavier-set guy is the one who's holding the banner that says, "EXTRA LAYER to get the job done "? (like, they needed a tubby Angel to convey that message for any porcine consumers unsure of whether or not Angel Soft could handle the task presented by their demanding posteriors).

You have to also admire the Spanish: con el balance ideal de suavidad y resistencia . This translates (thank you, BabelFish) to "with the ideal balance of smoothness and resistance."

Suavidad y Resistencia, mi amigos. That's what it's all about. Hell, it's no less than the motherfucking SECRET TO LIFE -- the Middle Way of the Buddha!!! And, it appears on a 2-cent piece of mass-produced goddamned cellophane! An epiphany brought to you by a couple of Angels, no less ... So, take a look once again at our angelic amigos: Is the left-hand guy not a suggestive representation of the ascetic existence, renouncing material comforts (not "too " soft, he admonishes). Is the right-hand guy not somehow evocative of the opposite, quite indulgent personality -- the base "Git'r done " type?

One doesn't just "wipe" with Angel Soft, one cleanses; I daresay one awakens.

Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On February 13, 2007, Chaylene wrote:

My husband would leave me if I came home with anything less than Charmin Ultra.

On February 14, 2007, chautauqua wrote:

"Isle of White". Har.

On February 14, 2007, Dragon Laugh wrote:

This is too funny ... had me giggling helplessly. A good way to start the day- thanks!

On February 14, 2007, Grant Miller wrote:

That was a beautiful post. I will consider your endorsement. But I still swear by baby wipes. Swear by them.

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About Hawthorne Crow

... long-haired smart ass, self-employed web developer, hyper-creative writer, musician, renaissance man, defiant, prone to philosophization, as-always a pyro, ever-frustrated cat owner, free agent, big fan of wearing bandanas.

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