A Long and Needlessly Meandering Thought About Julie Delpy

25 Oct 2007


Elsewhere in the cosmos, conservatively formulated odds tell us, other life forms populate countless other planets. Who knows what any of these creatures might look like. But, if they're anything at all like the variegated creatures here on Earth (including humans), they probably have undeniably "perfect" specimens among their populations. So perfect that, even for a human, one might remark (if one were ever to see one), "Wow, that's one goddamn perfectly put together alien!"

I'm not necessarily suggesting that the hypothetical human observer would be attracted to said alien. After all, attraction is a much more complicated phenomenon. And besides, in most settings outside of extreme rural America, one generally finds the objects of one's attraction among one's own species.

So, were I ever granted the opportunity to examine a selection of aliens, I doubt I would find myself attracted to any of them. After all, they might very well resemble, say, tarantulas. And as a nonarachnophilic, well, they simply wouldn't do anything for me.

However, I think I could nonetheless identify a "perfect" specimen among any given selection of them -- provided, of course, I'd have had the opportunity to safely observe a larger population and form an opinion about what constitutes textbook perfection among the species. Proper number, length, and coloring of the appendages, shape of the cephalothorax, fang placement, behavior, etc. If, like we humans, they're an advanced species, I might also measure their intelligence, engage them in a brief conversation, and check their credit report.

Sorry for the verbosity. Got a little tangentially carried away there ... In actuality, I began this little thought experiment 180 degrees from the above scenario. In fact, I'd imagined we humans as the scrutinized specimens -- a mental scenario in which the aliens arrive and have to determine (for their screwball alien purposes) some concept of the ideal human Form (with a capital F, kind of in a Platonic sense).

So, they begin observing countless humans, surreptitiously amassing millions of "human scans," processing the data -- probably mentally, in some strange form of collective biological computation unknown to us -- arriving finally (before returning home, hopefully sans prisoners or traumatic and later-repressed anal probe sessions) at that absolutely perfect model of humanity (the form of which will solely represent all of Earthly humanity in the alien encyclopaedia and blogosphere):

At long last, my point: I submit to you that it would be female. And she would be Julie Delpy.

Post-blogging F.A.Q. (to self):

Q: Does this mean I've stopped lusting after Zooey Deschanel?

A: No.

Q: Will I possibly go out on a fantasy date with Julie Delpy (as I did with Liv Tyler, Jodie Foster, Charlize Theron, Patricia Arquette, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Condoleezza Rice )?

A: Yes. In fact, that was my original intent with this post before I got all sidetracked thinking about alien spiders and whether I'd be inappropriately attracted to them.

Q: What about Zooey Deschanel?

A: No, I don't think I'll imaginarily date her. I just couldn't bare to see that imaginary relationship go south.

Q: Do I think Zooey Deschanel's feelings would be hurt since I seem to be saying that Julie Delpy is actually more "perfect"?

A: As I said, attraction is quite a bit more complicated than judging outward appearance alone. I believe Zooey will understand that, while I may have singled out Julie Delpy in this particular post (and am truly fascinated by her rare coupling of undeniable beauty and genius), there's clearly an ineffable je ne sais quoi between Zooey and me.

Q: Is there any logical reason this post was all about Julie Delpy and then suddenly experienced an inexplicable shift toward Zooey Deschanel?

A: It's possible that I'm experiencing a slight cognitive dissonance experienced by bloggers unable to properly focus their affections on a single celebrity.

Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On October 25, 2007, EmmaK wrote:

Julie Deply is gorgeous ... check her out in 2 Days In Paris. I also like Juliette Binoche and Emmanuelle Beart makes me drool.

On October 25, 2007, Beth wrote:

Have you seen After Sunset? When Julie Delpy slinks across the room to Nina Simone, I wanted to ravish her.

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