10 Character Traits Proving I'm Not Canadian, Eh

17 Oct 2007


What with all the rumors these days, it's come to my attention that, no matter how many times I've stated, repeatedly, that I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA, certain parties insist I'm actually from Canada. Well, I'm here to set the record straight once and for all. What follows are 10 [ed note: actually 11] items about me that prove beyond any reasonable doubt that I am not in fact Canadian, even though I may in fact hold a financial post in the ministry of at least one municipality in Ontario (winks/nods to Mitch, Reg, etc.). As such, I hope the following list clears up any disinformation out there.

1. I couldn't tell you what a tuque is, you hoser.

2. I'm not exactly sure what a chesterfield is, either.

3. I've been to Nova Scotia, but still can't spell the $2 coin -- twoony, two-nie, toonie? (even though I'm insanely jealous since America doesn't have anything similar).

4. I'm skeptical that moose even exist.

5. I only drink Molson sometimes.

6. I cannot ice skate without experiencing god-awful pains in my arches.

7. And I don't know the rules of hockey.

8. I kind of cannot stand Neil Young and am not really that crazy about the Barenaked Ladies. (*)

9. I think the word "mountie" is kind of funny.

10. When someone says "beaver" I don't immediately think of the animal.

11. I don't think Alanis Morissette will ever sleep with me.

(*) Okay, I did 11 instead of 10 since #8 will probably piss off a lot of Canadians and maybe I just shouldn't count that one. I know, I know ... it hurts to hear such vitriol. But, really I only actively hate Young; I'm more or less apathetic about the BN Ladies. Does that help? In my defense, I should add here that I did very much dig BTO back in the day. And Rush. And maybe even a little Triumph and, oh wow, once I went to a Steppenwolf/Guess Who show that kicked serious ass. Now there's a fucking toonie for you! So, maybe you could cut me some slack on the Neil Young / Barenaked Ladies thing?

Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On October 18, 2007, Grant Miller wrote:

I have an odd crush on Alainis Morrissette.

On October 18, 2007, Leonesse wrote:

Grant, you just fantasize about her going {bleeped} on you in a theater.

On October 18, 2007, Flannery Alden wrote:

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

On October 19, 2007, blueblanket wrote:

Total hoser, eh?

On October 19, 2007, Doc wrote:

I think a chesterfield is either a kind of sofa or a filterless cigarette popular in the thirtys.

Great post, as always.

On October 20, 2007, elyse the portuguese wrote:

Neil Young sucks ass. Even the Canadians know that.

On October 20, 2007, Chris wrote:

Ok, the true test ... ..sing "Twelve Days of Christmas" for us!

On October 20, 2007, Evil Genius wrote:

Manifest Destiny now!

On October 21, 2007, Leonesse wrote:

Methinks he is up trying to blow up Canada. Just to prove his point.

On February 26, 2008, JBanholzer wrote:

I can certainly understand and respect how some people might not be big Neil Young fans. In fact, one high-holiday season a friend specifically asked me –that as much as I might like to - to please not present her with any Neil Young, as it depresses her too much.

I wonder what she would have thought if I had handed her Tom’s Waits Blue Valentine, instead?

On the other hand, there must be one or two Neil Young songs that tickle your fancy. Come on – Betty Lou’s got a new pair of shoes from Neil and the Shocking Pinks doesn’t make you want to trip the light Trans-tastic?

National Lampoon once recorded an album with a song reputedly sung by Neil Young’s cat! Even the most steadfast-maple-leaf-flag-saluting Neil Young fan should find that funny.

The biggest question here though is what do you feel that Scott Joplin would think about Neil Young’s crooning, accompanying the feeble piano on a Man Needs a Maid?

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