- Category: Family
- Written by Jim Dee
Been away for a few days for a family visit ... When family comes over, we usually spend a few days cleaning in order to give the impression that we normally live in a spic-and-span environment. Little do they know ... Anyway, as part of the most recent cleaning phase, it was one of my jobs to stock up on household staples. I was taken aside by a party who shall remain nameless and told that Angel Soft was not cutting it ( despite my thorough analysis ). It may well cost only $1.19 for a 4-pack, but it was not lasting very long. I was told to upgrade.
It's been a while since we've had an "ultra" brand. Years and years ago, we had Charmin Ultra most of the time, until my brother-in-law's then-fiance made a comment about it. The comment was so utterly gross, I can't possibly repeat it here. But I will, of course. She said one day, almost apropos of nothing, "When I use Ultra, it feels like I'm greasing my hole." (Good God ... it was bad enough to just recall that quote. Now that I'm looking at it in type, I'm tempted to quit blogging once and for all.)
Unable to repress that comment for several years now, I'm still unable to purchase Charmin Ultra. So, I continued to browse. I'd become intimately familiar with the "ultra-cheap" -- but now that I'd been asked to consider an upgrade, it was like a whole new world. Christ, it's like the produce section or the junk food aisle. Such variety we have! Maybe that's one of the things that truly makes America great -- the fact that one can spend upwards of 10 minutes selecting a new toilet paper.
I went with Ultra Quilted Northern. That's the actual wrapper I've scanned in, above. Seems a decent mascot, right? An easy choice -- with both "queen" and "quilted" beginning with "qu." I suppose the additional message here is: If it's good enough for the Queen, it's good enough for you. See how she waves with, one assumes, her delicate wiping hand? Smiling as though she's just enjoyed the good, clean wipe experience befitting a monarch? It's an order of magnitude more dignified than those two base oafs from the Angel Soft brand, talking about "getting the job done."