Monday's Post: Go for the Gross-Out

17 Apr 2006

Recently, as I drove home during a particularly nice, warm, spring day, I stopped at a traffic light. In the SUV next to mine (we all drive SUVs here inPennsylvania), there was a Dalmatian sitting upright, just like a person would, in the front seat. It reminded me of the way my old dog used to sit with me in the car, just like that. Now, I like dogs a lot. I usually give a little whistle or something to get their attention. But, this particular dog wasn't looking my way. He was clearly preoccupied, checking out a couple of women across the street. That may sound a little odd to you, as dogs don't generally ogle after women. But, I'm certain this one was. And, believe it or not, this reminded me of a story.

However, I must include a *severe * warning for this one, as it's not my usual breed of light-hearted, quasi-criminal gun story. This one's perhaps the * most disgusting thing I've ever witnessed. * As such, I would strongly suggest that you not read it.Just stop now and consider this post a brief, quirky dog observation.

Still reading?Seriously, I'm asking you to go away until my next post. There are several sites listed on the top-right side of my blog that will not leave you with the urge to vomit.(I promise I'm not joking around here.) Do NOT go any further, okay? Seriously, this is ten times worse than Faces of Death, and fifty times worse than watching my eighth grade English teacher Mrs. Bulldog pick bits of flesh from her scalp and eat them during class. If my blog were a movie, this is where you'd get up, walk out, demand your money back, and then partner with a nonprofit organization strongly linked with the Christian right to form a grassroots anti-movie letter writing campaign. It's just that disgusting. So, vamoose, gentle reader, until next time.

Still here?!Well, okay, but you werewarned ... But, you know, this memory is so gross that I won't even need to get overlygraphic. Instead, I'll just lay it out there as tactfully as I can and your imagination will no doubt do a fine job of grossing you out. That's one little trick I learned in college: Writers don't always need to be so damned graphic. Instead, it's often better to be suggestive. Write around the issue, and that's often more powerful than addressing it head-on. There's a great book on the topic, by the way: On Being Blue, by William Gass. Highly recommended. (Note: I'm not necessarily agreeing with everything Gass says or implies in the book. I'm specifically referring to his contentions regarding the efficacy of certain types of description.)

God DAMN, Hillman, get to the friggin story, already! Okay, okay ...

So, I was at my Indian friend's house in D.C. a few years back. Let's call him Kumar, as that's a common Indian name that everyone knows from the 2004 hit movie, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. (I may have a White Castle post or two in me sometime, by the way.) In this household, they occasionally throw large parties at which everyone else but my family is Indian. I'm not sure if it's a cultural difference, but dinner is generally served buffet style, and usually not until around1:00 or so in the morning. It's always been that way at Kumar's house, though I'm not entirely sure why. I think maybe it's just an Asian thing (recalling a Moslem wedding I attended once at which dinner wasn't served until well past midnight).

It had been a typically long evening at their house.We usually sleep over when visiting, as we no longer live in the D.C. area. So, the next morning is usually pretty slow. Normally, everyone simply lounges about well into the mid-morning -- with the exception of the mother, who always rises at the crack of dawn to prepare breakfast (usually Aloo Gobi, Aloo Paratha, and chai, by the way -- which is awesome, even though I always feel guilty that this woman slaves over it all morning).

So, I was sitting in the living room with Kumar the next morning. We were both struggling to recuperatefrom the evening's festivities. (They often drink Scotch, and I'm just not used to that.) He'd just installed a new WiFi in the house, and was casually surfing the net on his laptop. All of a sudden, he started to quietly giggle to himself in a way that could only suggest he was up to no good. So I said, "What the fuck are you watching?"

Kumar quietly called me over. He looked around to confirm that there were no other family members around. With the coast clear, he clicked a button to put his video software on full-screen mode and presses a hot-key to play the video. Suddenly, his screen showed a hot, naked brunette (probably late-20s or so) on all fours on a queen-sized bed. The camera-operator was walking around behind her, probably about five feet back, panning the largely empty room. Again, the video focused on the woman.She reached one hand back and slapped her own ass repeatedly, saying, "Here, boy!" exactly in the high pitched way that you'd call a dog.

Do I even need to finish the story?Perhaps I'll simply confirm that she did have a dog -- a Dalmatian. I'm torn between deciding whether what this woman taught her dog to do was (1) insane cruelty toward animals, or (2) the exact opposite. In the end, I can think of a hundred smart-ass observations and comments. But, mainly, I'm just pissed at my friend for leaving that indelible mark on my brain. (Any BoingBoing readers out there? If so, that was a "unicorn chaser " moment if ever there was one.) The bottom line, though, is that when I saw that Dalmatian the other day, I knew why he didn't acknowledge me. I think it was the dog from the video ... Well, okay, that would be one hell of a coincidence. But, maybe he'd just gotten wind of that legendary dog on the internet, and he wanted a piece of the action for himself.

Still, it gives one paws ... When people in the dating world eventually reach that point in their relationship at which they discuss their histories and numbers of previous partners, I think the Internet has taught us an important lesson: If you really want to get a fair accounting of your partner's past, you have to now specify that they need to include previous partners of all species.

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