Misc. Grammar Jokes from the Net

18 Jul 2008

comma.jpg

Here are some miscellaneous grammar-related jokes culled from all over the place. Thought y'all writers would enjoy ...

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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

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A Texan professor and an Oxford professor are chilling at a conference bar. The Texan professor, bored, looks to the Oxford professor and strikes up a conversation. "So there partner, where y'all from?" Oxford prof. replies, pushing his glasses to his nose: "Well, in reply to your query, I hail from Oxford. In addition, where I come from, we never end our sentences in a preposition." The Texan prof. blinks once, shrugs his shoulders and drawls, "My apologies! What I mean to say is 'where y'all from, asshole?'"

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Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply. The teacher corrected the child: "You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.' " And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you say all that?" The little girl nodded and smiled brightly. "Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

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Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."

Josephine: "I is ... "
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am ... ' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish" The guy asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life - just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

(And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.)

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Q: What goes zzub, zzub?

A: A bee flying backwards.

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When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, "Name two pronouns." I said, "Who, me?"

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Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On July 18, 2008, Flannery Alden wrote:

Excellent! Thank you sir!

On July 18, 2008, M@ wrote:

Hahahaha.

On July 18, 2008, Red wrote:

Like it! Incidentally, according to Bill Bryson in _The Mother Tongue_ the "not ending a sentence in a preposition" thing was started by some British aristocrat and amateur grammarian sometime fairly recently, maybe in the 19th century, and is not the hard-and-fast rule many of us believe it to be. As Churchill said, "This is the sort of nonsense up with which I will no longer put."

On July 18, 2008, Suze's Sass wrote:

Great Friday jokes!

On July 20, 2008, Falwless wrote:

I love the "I is ... " hahah

On July 21, 2008, BeckEye wrote:

Oh, BSUWG. I love you period.

On July 22, 2008, Gifted Typist wrote:

Gotta love Grammar Geek humour and this is classic. Thank you BSUWG

On July 23, 2008, Grant Miller wrote:

Excellent.

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