Panera Bread Company Staffed By Large Apes

15 Nov 2007


It amazes me that humans routinely attempt to solve major issues while so many minor ones remain embarrassingly unresolved. Want to argue foreign policy? Gun control? Immigration? Abortion? Global warming? Hey, that's all well and good. But how the hell can we ever expect to find enlightenment on the BIG issues when, for example, our bagel stores cannot grasp such fundamental concepts as toasting? How hard is it for the mouth-breathers who work at Panera to understand what the word toast means?

Let me share two things that toast is NOT:

1. Toast is not bread slightly warmed.
2. Toast is not bread charred to a motherfucking unrecognizable crisp.

If you're a Big, Dumb Panera Ape (BDPA), you're obviously flaying your fat, furry, flea-infested cranium at this moment. I submit to you, young simian, that the property of toastiness lies between the two stages described above. That is to say, bread does not become toast until a distinctive crust is formed. We'll call this stage "lightly toasted." It remains toast until it's perhaps just a shade darker than the bread slice shown above. We'll call this stage "dark toast." If you fail to produce bread within this range, you've failed to fulfill my request for toast. It's that simple.

Actual transcript of my previous four trips to Panera:

PH: I'd like two everything bagels, sliced and toasted.

[time elapses]

BDPA: Here you are, sir.

PH: (disappointed tone after inspection) But I wanted them toasted.

BDPA: I ran them through the toaster.

PH: So that's your definition of toasting? Running them through a toaster?

BDPA: Would you like me to run them through again?

PH: If you don't mind. Because, see, for me, I don't consider it toast until ... [I then explain my aforementioned theory here].

[time elapses]

BDPA: Here you go.

PH: (disappointed tone after inspection) Now they're TOO charred!

BDPA: (ready to strangle me) But you said ...

PH: I said I wanted them toasted, not charred to the point where I've got to consult the thing's dental records to determine that it used to be a bagel. Look, [again, I explain the theory].

[Reluctantly, the BDPA throws my original bagels into the trash, slices two new ones, adjusts the conveyor-belt-toaster's speed to a nice mid-range setting, and produces the desired effect. Of course, everyone in the general vicinity becomes noticeably angry and blames me by the time I leave. Yet, the whole situation could be avoided if the BDPAs of the world would grasp this moronically simple principle.]

Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On November 15, 2007, Sturdy Girl wrote:

YES! I HATE warmed bagel. I thought the problem was a language barrier, but maybe not.

On November 15, 2007, blueblanket wrote:

Good for you for standing up for a properly toasted bagel! If anyone would understand the intricacies of scorching something perfectly it would be you!!! Nicely done!

On November 15, 2007, Leonesse wrote:

That was you? We so made faces at you behind your back. And rolled our eyes as you left. Then commiserated with the help as he bitched about his lousy customers and their unrelenting demands. We all tipped him extra, too.

On November 16, 2007, The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: wrote:

Dude, you better watch out and maybe switch to a new Panera location because I think the BDPA definition of "toast" now includes saliva when you walk in the door.

On November 17, 2007, Beth wrote:

I would have applauded you had I been behind you. Proper toasting levels is very important.

On November 18, 2007, M@ wrote:

Funny it occurred to the dude at all to make the adjustment.

On November 18, 2007, Vica wrote:

BDPA!!! I love it. In my neck of the woods, it would have been an utterly adorable, yet brain-dead, petite blond who would have ruined at least three bagels without ever realizing the machine could even be adjusted.

Then she would have called the manager, cried profusely and had you banned from the place.

Count your blessings?

On November 18, 2007, Chris wrote:

so wait a second ... .Pantera opened a bread company?

On November 15, 2008, Anonymous wrote:

I work at panera and quite frankly dont give a shit how you want your fucking bagel toasted. Get some from walmart and toast them yourself you fucking prick

On December 16, 2009, Anonymous wrote:

people like you disgust me. just because you go into a restaurant doesnt make you fucking royalty! toast your own fucking bagel you tool. there is no excuse to being rude. you could've politely asked for it to be toasted more, instead of being a absolute asshole to someone who is just trying to do there job.

On March 25, 2010, Jon wrote:

I have something to say to you, you stupid bitch. The customer is not always right, in fact most of the time the customer comes into panera looking like a deer in headlights. And you know what annoys me the most? stupid people like you who try to sound sophisticated and piss off so many people. For gods sake, im 17 and work at panera, and i have the common sense to know that if you dont like the service at panera, what the fu#k are you still doing eating there, so therefore the stupid inept ape in this occasion would be you.

On August 23, 2012, Anonymous wrote:

Oh, aren't you one cute as fuck bitch? You could buy six bagels for the price of two bagels at Panera and toast them however the hell you like, but it's cool man. Personally, I'd burn your bagel on purpose.

We're on a time crunch, bud. You can suck my flaccid cock while I'm preparing your bagel. <3

On May 18, 2013, lauren wrote:

If we told our customers to fuck off and toast your own bagels then we would not have a job. We are there to provide a service. THAT is our role in role! If toasting a bagel is such a task I suggest you stay in school and do something else with your time...I have NO problem taking the time to do it right and to make our customers happy...they pay my rent and feed my son.

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