IMHO Installment #98: Why I Suck at Fantasy (#6)

20 Sep 2007


[Happy Friday, blog friends. I'm off golfing again today. I thought I'd leave you with a new, brief fantasy date. Wish I could say it turned off welll this time, but as usual ... ]

Much like Catherine Zeta-Jones, Patricia Arquette is very close to me agewise. Patricia's just 9 months older. She'd probably have been a senior when I was a junior, which was always a cool thing to do (date seniors when you were a junior).

A couple of my previous imaginary dates were older. Jodie Foster's about 6 years older than me, and Condi Rice is nearly 15 years my senior. Looking back, I think I was pushing things with Condi. It took two additional imaginary dates to pretty much balance her out: Liv Tyler is 8 years younger than me; Charlize Theron 6 years younger.

So, I'm glad to be back on the straight and narrow. And by that I mean imaginarily dating celebrities roughly my own age. I added that last sentence because I realize there's often a subtle difference between what we say and what we mean. Take my date with Patricia, for example:

Patrick Hillman: (what I say ): I love looking at you. You're so unique!

Patrick Hillman: (what I mean ): I can't figure out whether or not I find you attractive.

Patricia Arquette (what she says ): That's a compliment, I hope?

Patricia Arquette (what she means ): This is a test, and you better answer correctly.

PH (say): Stunningly unique!

PH (mean): I really can't figure out whether or not I find you attractive.

PA (says): [smiles]

PA (means): You passed the test.

PH (say): Wow, you've been in, like, a million movies. But, I loved you as Kissin' Kate in the movie Holes.

PH (mean): Out of those million movies, I really only remember seeing you in Holes.

PA (says): It was fun to play an outlaw, riding horses around in the desert and all.

PA (means): You're weird for watching movies made for 12-year-olds.

PH (say): Say, that reminds me, do you know Photoshop, Patricia?

PH (mean): Do you know Photoshop?

PA (says): Not really.

PA (means): What is this "Photoshop" of which you speak?

PH (say): Well, see, when you save a photo for the web, you normally select "jpeg" as the file type, and then you get to select a "quality" for that jpeg. You follow?

PH (mean): It's technical.

PA (says): Not really.

PA (means): I'm quickly losing interest.

PH (say): Well, I'll finish anyway ...

PH (mean): Later, when I blog about our date, others who do Photoshop might read this and find this mildly amusing.

PA (says): Okay, go on, then.

PA (means): ... if you must.

PH (say): Okay, well, you have to select a "quality" for your jpeg file. Basically, that controls the sharpness of the picture. The higher the resolution, the larger the file size. Follow that?

PH (mean): It's technical.

PA (says): Sure.

PA (means): Whatever.

PH (say): Well, you can set it any way you want, but there are some default settings: Low, Medium, High, and Maximum.

PH (mean): It's technical

PA (says): Mmm-hmmm ...

PA (means): Get to the point.

PH (say): Well, when I exported your gorgeous photo, I set it on Medium. Isn't that cool?

PH (mean): Isn't that cool?!

PA (says): Oh, now I get it. You know, that IS pretty cool.

PA (means): What a loser.

PH (say): Yeah, cuz, like-

PH (mean): Yeah, cuz, like-

PA (says): Cuz like I play a "medium" on TV.

PA (means): Duh.

PH (say): Right.

PH (mean): Right!!!

PA (says): [*smiles kindly*]

PA (means): Christ, when is this date going to end?

PH (say): We're not hitting it off, are we?

PH (mean): We're not hooking up. :-(

PA (says): Look, you're a nice guy and all ...

PA (means): We're not hooking up! Like, not in the foreseeable future. Get it, 'cuz I'm a "medium"?

PH (say): No, I understand. Really ... But, it's at least fun to hang out a little, right?

PH (mean): I'm not a total geek loser, right?

PA (says): Yeah, sure, it's okay.

PA (means): You're a total geek loser.

Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On September 21, 2007, Beth wrote:

Does it sound creepy to admit that I think Patricia has nice t*ts?

On September 21, 2007, BeckEye wrote:

Well, I hear Alexis is single!

And you better stay away from CZJ.

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