IMHO Installment #84: Hollywood Should Hire Me

08 Aug 2007

eagles.jpg

I think someone in Hollywood should hire me to write/adapt a feature screenplay based on the Eagle's mega-hit, Hotel California. Somehow, in this age of every imaginable thing being turned into a movie, they've ignored this ready-made, high-concept, sure-fire cash cow. (You out there Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Don Felder? Drop me an email at Patrick.Hillman [at] Gmail [dotcom]. Let's do a meeting, run this thing up the flagpole, eh?!)

It'd be super-easy to adapt. The plot's pretty much all there in the song: Some stoner cruising through the southwest somewhere pulls into a hotel, gets greeted by an exotic woman who may be an angel or a demon, witnesses some sort dionysian gathering in the courtyard, meets the "captain," endures the "master's chambers" scene with the "steely knives" and the "beast," and then escapes (or not?) with that infamous "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave" line. Throw in a few extra characters, flesh out the plot a little, add some backstory, maybe a subplot or two, some more drugs, a lot more sex, and bob's your uncle!

Since we're adapting a song into a feature, I would assume that we'd naturally have permission to use the song in the film. I haven't yet decided where ... the opening credits, the closing credits, or snippets in between ... Plus, with the Eagles' involvement, it should be pretty easy to gain access to other Eagles hits as well, which would help keep initial production costs down a bit. (Don't worry, guys, we'll pay you a percentage off the back end.)

Anyway, it's a grand idea, Eagles. Seriously, contact me anytime (that's Patrick.Hillman [at] Gmail [dotcom]) and we'll get this thing in motion. I only want to be the writer, paid at scale plus a modest bonus if (when) it's a major box office success. I'm picturing maybe Robert Rodriguez as director. Oh, and I'd get to hang out on the set as part of the deal.

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