IMHO Installment #80: Why I Suck at Fantasy (#3)

31 Jul 2007


Now Jodie Foster on the other hand ... there's someone to have an enjoyable imaginary date with, right? I mean, what's not to like? She's a known genius, extremely beautiful, has made tons of great films. I mean, what could go wrong?

Oh, I know ... I've had imaginary dating failures in the past. But, Liv Tyler? I'm through with her. Condoleezza Rice? Over and done with.

This imaginary date isn't with Jodie, exactly. I suppose it's really with Ellie Arroway, her character in the four-star, two-thumbs-up, Academy-Award-winning, and generally awesome movie Contact. You've seen that one, right? You're probably not as fanatical about it as I am; I think it's a masterpiece, 3.14159 times better than Citizen Kane. I'd been a big fan of the book in the early 90s and went completely spastic (in a good way) when I heard it was being made into a movie. (Anything written by Carl Sagan is practically scripture in my home, so this makes perfect sense.)

I loved Ellie to begin with, and it only got better to find out that it was Jodie Foster who would play her. So, for this imaginary date, I see myself hanging out with Jodie, only her interests in life (whatever those may be) are similar to Ellie's.

For anyone disturbed by the ridiculous scenario presented here, I would at point out that (1) this utter nonsense is fictional, and (2) at least I didn't select some other character she played. I'm not interested in dating Clarice Starling or Dede Tate (although Little Man Tate was a fine movie alongside many others in that "young genius" tradition -- e.g., Searching for Bobby Fischer, Good Will Hunting, etc.).

Now, Jodie, as I said, is uber-smart. But not too bookish. Sure, she was valedictorian of her prep school, but she only graduated magna cum laude from Yale. This is a good sign; you don't want to go out on imaginary dates with summa cum laude women. Trust me on that. But the Ivy League magnas ; they know how to have a good time. They'll discuss Kierkegaard with you on the way to a bowling alley.

Unfortunately, as much as I adore Jodie, and always will, I bear the burden of authorship here. Not to get all meta-fictional on you, dear reader, but I suddenly see the downfall of this imaginary relationship and delaying it further (which I may actually do) feels wrong. I know some of you are thinking that it's going to be the whole "lesbian issue." Hmmm ...

Yeah, that could throw a wrench into the works. I'll concede that point. Besides, many lesbians find the notion of their potential "conversion" to heterosexuality rather insulting, especially when coming from asinine straight men -- as if they "need" converting in the first place, right? Look, I understand that stance. And, the last thing I want to do is offend lesbians. Big Sappho fan here, okay?

But I would nonetheless need to "convert" Jodie. Af first, I imagined hacking into a communications satellite and having it beam down a strange, loosely encrypted signal to her television set -- some "message from above" that would somehow put her in touch with me (the details of which, I admit, I haven't thought out very well). But, that just seemed too deus ex machina for my tastes. Plus its trickery, and I wouldn't want ot convert Ms. Foster via trickery; I'd rather it all come about honestly, the way I met Liv Tyler and Condi.

And that got me thinking about the whole "How would we meet?" question. Which clued me into the whole downfall of this imaginary relationship. That's right ... the John Hinckley, Jr. fiasco (you remember, right? -- that whackjob who shot Ronald Reagan in order to impress Jodie?).

See, almost any celebrity is fair game for imaginary dating scenarios. But, I figure it's also kind of creepy, at least on some level. I mean, while I seriously doubt Liv Tyler would ever read my touching little fantasy and drop me an email -- at Patrick [dot] Hillman [at] gmail etc., Liv -- there's about 100x less of a chance that Jodie ever would do that, given that insane asshole's history.

So, the fantasy fizzles out before it can ever begin, I'm afraid. To initiate a relationship with Jodie Foster, one could never do it in this way. It would have to arise, as I suggested, organically -- on a movie set or something (which is how, interestingly, she met her current partner). Note that Jodie Foster met her partner via normal social channels. She did not take up with some strange man praising her in a blog entry (as so many other famous actresses these days most certainly do).

Now, is (or should I say "was") there ever a chance that Jodie would have stumbled across BSUWG.BLOGSPOT.COM, read a few marginally witty entries, fallen madly in love with me to the point of initiating a conversation (in which she masks her infatuation under the guise of, say, just saying hello or, hell, optioning my indie screenplay), and let nature take its course from there? Well sure. At least as much chance as anyone has of winning the PowerBall.

But, ironically and paradoxically, with this entry, I've now likely blown my chances with her. As such, I can only hope that Jodie will recognize that I'm not insane like John Hinkley Jr. Yes, we (Jodie and I, not Hinkley and I) would almost make a fine regular imaginary dating couple. The ball is in your court, Jodie. I'm no weirdo.


And what shall I do with my imaginary dating freetime while Ms. Foster considers her future? Well, I recently found out that Dagny Taggart, the heroine of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, is to be played by Angelina Jolie. I hate to imaginarily date Angelina now that she's been soiled by Brad Pitt, but may test the waters nonetheless.

Original Comments

Below, are the original comments on this post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.

On August 6, 2007, Winter wrote:

I wonder who I would fake pretend go out with, any suggestions?

I was so into Tom Hanks when I was youger, but that sort of wore off.

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