IMHO Installment #27: I'll Likely Never Sleep With Alanis :-(

12 Apr 2007

As a fan of Alanis Morissette's, I thought I'd take the liberty today of answering all of the questions in her "begging to be a blog-meme"-tune, " 21 Things I Want In A Lover " (links to acoustic performance). Basically, I wanted to see if I had any chances with the superstar. So ...

1. Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?

If by "joy," you actually mean petty jealousy, then yes, Alanis, I frequently experience that emotion. Especially when that someone else is a nit-wit.

2. Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?

I always play by the rules. However, if there are possible loop-holes, I've been known to discover and exploit them.

3. Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?

Sorry, I don't understand this question. Could you rephrase it?

4. Do you see everything as an illusion?

Oh yes ... I can easily see this cool shark stereogram and other Magic Eye book illustrations, although I've sometimes wondered whether that means I'm prone to psychological suggestion.

5. But enjoy it even though you are not of it?

Well, it does make me a little sad to be stuck here in reality.

6. Are you both masculine and feminine?

I'd answer this, but I'm suddenly overcome with intense, uncaused emotion and hot flashes. It'll fade momentarily ...

7. Politically aware?

Definitely. My post on Ayn Rand last week drew a record number of responses. (A record low, that is.)

8. And don't believe in capital punishment?

If by "don't believe in capital punishment," you mean that I think we should do away with gas chambers and electric chairs (the so-called "current technology"), and bring back old-school public hangings instead, then yeah, I think we see eye-to-eye on this issue. I'm also open for drawing & quartering using horses decked out in Old West-style tack, as long as it's all on pay-per-view.

9. Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?

Oh, I dove in full-force back when your Jagged Little Pill CD came out. I love the song "You Oughta Know," but it doesn't make me feel free. Seems like there's always someone around when it comes on -- someone who shouldn't hear it. Then, when you get to that part about going down on the guy in a theater, I'm invariable sitting at some traffic light and your words draw disapproving looks from other motorists, usually the elderly.

10. Are you funny?

It's funny you ask that ...

11. ln a self-deprecating [way]?

I used to be, but lately I prefer deprecating others; it's the new me.

12. Like adventure?

Like it? You clearly haven't read my Tales about robbing soda machines, stomping roaches, stealing dynamite, having my head vacuumed, and being abducted by aliens.

13. And have many formed opinions?

As of this post, I have exactly 27 formed opinions. Is that enough? I'm shooting for 100 or so.

14. Are you uninhibited in bed?

15. More than three times a week?

16. Up for being experimental?

I posted a video-response to these three questions on YouTube.

[Update: YouTube has since pulled this video. Some legal thing about "Terms of Use viloation." Sorry folks.]

17. Are you athletic?

I love to run; I only wish kids wouldn't throw fountain soda at me all the time.

18. Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?

I have no brothers. I do have a sister, though. It's probably a good thing ... In the Hillman family, we have a history of not helping brothers.

19. Are you not addicted?

I swear, that one time was my only interaction with LSD.

20. Curious?

I wonder why you asked that ...

21. Communicative?

N/A

_________________

CONCLUSION:

IMHO, I doubt I have much of a shot with her.

(I won't tag anyone, but if you feel so moved, please feel free to answer the above 21 and let me know so I can read it!)

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On April 12, 2007, Rhythmball Lynn wrote:

Have you seen her cover of "My Humps" on YouTube? Must be checked out!

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