The Bizarre Convergence of Islam and Poultry

14 Feb 2006

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[The pic above shows a typical anti-American reaction inPakistan: Burn down the nearest symbol ofAmerica.]

I hate to keep harping on the Mohammad cartoon story, as there are so many other delectable tidbits in the news to rant about lately. My absolute favorite is our nation's Vice President, Dick Cheney, blasting his quail hunting buddy with a 28-gauge shotgun. It doesn't get any better than that, folks. But, back to this anti-cartoon uprising ... Here's a snippet from a Reuters story posted earlier today:"In the eastern city ofLahore[Pakistan], police fired tear gas, shot into the air and baton-charged protesters who ransacked a McDonald's franchise and set fire to outlets of KFC ..."

Now, let me get this straight ... Cartoons depicting Mohammad are so outrageous that they incite widespread arson and murder, and yetAmerica's lowest quality, most disgustingly greasy burgers and growth-hormone laden, genetically modified fried chicken are all the rage in downtownKarachi? (Keep in mind that the wordPakistanmeans "Land of the Pure" in Urdu.) I have news for all Moslem countries: You guys are embracing entirely the *wrong parts * of American culture. Sure, we're a huge, wasteful, obnoxious, oil-hungry powerhouse run by a group of idiots, but we have offered the world numerous significant scientific and cultural assets as well -- things like nanotechnology, the poetry of Robert Frost and, of course, eBay. In fact, it is * precisely * the presence of McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) restaurants (and *not * editorial cartoons) that should incite you to torch embassies and kill random people. God knows if I have to eat one more order of The Colonel's "three chicken strip" meals for lunch, I'm liable to kill someone myself.

I simply can't get over it.Our tasteless, mass-produced, artery clogging fried chicken is not only popular elsewhere in the world, but it's also possibly MORE popular inPakistanthan here. I mean, just look at that picture posted above.Not only was that once a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant inPakistan, it was also apparently a glorious *three-story * KFC building!!! (Note: That picture shows an earlier KFC burning -- not the one that happened yesterday. They burn down a lot of KFCs over there, so it's important to get that detail straight.)Let me tell you something:Walk into any KFC here in the states at noon, and you'd be lucky to find 10 other people eating lunch inside. Yes, it's that gross. I've never even imagined a scenario where a KFC would need to occupy any more than one floor of retail space. My god, if fried chicken is that popular inPakistan, why would anyone burn such a place down? I can hear the outrage now ... [voice of a fanatical Pakistani cleric counseling a young jihadist] "Look, Rahim, I too hateAmerica. But in Allah's name PLEASE take it easy on the KFC restaurants, okay? Next time the infidels defile Mohammad, do something different.Burn an American flag in the street, or perhaps take a journalist hostage. But, spare the chicken."

It's clear to me now that this "war" isn't a holy war at all. It's a war about chicken; it's the Chicken War.The Arab world builds three-story fast food restaurants devoted to American chicken. That's roughly the equivalent, it could be argued, to worshipping chicken. So, my theory is that there has been (or will soon be) a bizarre convergence of Islam and poultry. It's not that we want their oil. It's not about the holy land in the middle east. It's all about the chicken, folks.You heard it here first! And, what was Dick Cheney supposedly shooting at on that 50,000-acre Republican get-away last weekend? Answer: a "quail." But, a "quail" is sort of similar to a "chicken," isn't it?! Perhaps there's more to the story. Food for thought, anyway ...

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